... and stupid ass Mercury is in retrograde.

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SLOWEST MONTH EVER. Mercury is at the Retrograde Spa yet again, and while that's definitely annoying, you don't need to panic. Susan Miller, queen of the stars, has made you an entire guide on Astrology Zone. She writes that the retrograde will basically effect everyone the same, so I'm only going to say this once and then mostly ignore the retrograde in all of your 'scopes below: don't bother trying to make plans. Don't get plastic surgery. Don't buy anything. Don't be surprised when your computer crashes or phone breaks, so back up everything now, then back up the back up. Don't sign contracts. Don't buy a house. Don't make me quote the gym teacher from Mean Girls.

Most of all, don't freak. Dot your i's, cross your t's, remember that anything involving "re" is a good thing ("reassess, rethink, revisit, readdress, redo, or re-contact someone," per the Miller Thriller), and hang on. We'll be out of this before you know it.

Capricorn 

Happy birthday, you fancy goat! I would first like to congratulate you on having the best celebrities as sign-twins. Such Capricorn luminaries include Diane Keaton, Michelle Obama, Kate Moss and Denzel Washington, though make no mistake: that list goes on.

I, meanwhile, share a birthday with Bob Saget.

So work's been stressful, huh? The universe is going to give you a break courtesy of Mars moving into your eleventh house of friendship, events, people and love, which sounds to me like the best roommate ever. You're likely to get a check in the mail — a delayed holiday card from grandma, perhaps. And speaking of grandma, your romantic world is about to light on fire so tell her to bugger off like you're a character in Love Actually and get stoked for January 23rd. You'll be as charismatic as Hugh Grant himself. He's a Virgo. It's a match!

Aquarius

The retrograde's gonna slow things down, but slow what? The change in pace will be good for you; there's a big chance that you're still exhausted from the Great Nap of 2015, AKA your holiday break, and a little time to ruminate never hurt nobody — especially when taking a knee could result in a grand idea of some sort. Did the lightbulb just go on? If not you may need to wait until the 9th. You'll be especially intuitive at the new moon.

Another new moon to enjoy without its pants on is the sweet cheek of January 23rd, where you'll assess and make moves in regards to the closet relationship in your life, according to Miller. (Technically this moon's assessment could go in another direction — the bad one — but pulling your pants down in public always has the capability to do so, does it not?) The good Suz: you've got Venus in Sag until the 23rd, making you a hot piece of sass to all who pass by. You bet your bottom dollar.

Pisces

If you feel like you let the holiday fly by you faster than a drunk frog on a swing set, that's because you did. But it was in the name of your career, and you've set yourself up for a seriously successful 2016. Now you can have fun. Clean up your act in February. That month sucks anyway, and your human movie theater will no longer be featuring December's Sinus Infection That Still Won't Die — in IMAX!, so you can work out or whatever. Until then, blow your nose and party.

In fact, all the socializing you're guaranteed to do thanks to your planetary planners at AstrologyZone is only going to further help your professional success. Some people take improv classes to do so, you take the class of life.

Aries 

You're going to feel all Carrie Bradshaw in her "maybe we weren't meant to be tamed moment," but cool your damn jets because you'll get all antsy and say something dumb to your boss. Deep breaths. Now's a good time to start meditating, but if you hate closing your eyes for something that isn't sleep or a huge bite of sandwich, just know that things will smooth out once the effect of January 9th's full moon wears off.

Also temporary: feeling like your wallet is a tumbleweed holder and your bank account is more empty than the Thanksgiving gravy boat after Uncle Borris has had a go.

I know I said this was a no-Mercury zone, but one piece of tuna won't kill us: "The upside of Mercury retrograde in your house of career," writes Susan Miller, "is that you may finally get the green light to proceed on a project dear to your heart that had previously been put on hold." Guess what else? On January 23, you're a prime candidate to fall in love.

Taurus

My fellow moon cows, after a stressful 2015, this is our month to relax. (Challah!) And it's our time to get happy thanks to Jupiter flinging around golden beams all willy nilly. Know what else the old Jupe Box is playing? Every lovey dovey song you've ever heard.

"Jupiter's current focus, until September," writes my girl Siouxsie Sioux, "will be to work on helping you find true love if you are single, or ways to enjoy the love that you have already built with someone special, say, if you are married."

Then, in a wildly uplifting continuation of good themes this month, we're getting three days "all strung together like pearls":  On January 12, Venus will receive "an exciting, silvery beam from Uranus." It's not a thong, but it does mean money for us! The next day, on the 13th, we could find love while traveling (but remember, don't lose that passport — the retrograde will be upon us!!) and are likely to kill it at work. The 14th turns out to be a dud so everything we were going to do that day, we should do the day before, but whatever: that just means good planning. New year, new us, right?

Gemini 

Gemin-hayyy! Now, I'm still gonna do a summary for you, but I highly suggest you take the time to read your actual 'scope on AstrologyZone because there is this riveting anecdote about a woman who once tried to steal Susan's identity. No time for that here, I'm afraid.

That's because you're going to be too busy chilling. Like so many signs this month, January will feel slow. Embrace it. Use the calm period to get annoying life-stuff done, like all that unpacking you need to do from your ski trip. That shit is starting to smell.

Suz seems to think you're due for surgery. If you are, try to schedule it for February, post-retrograde. Otherwise, you're in for a good Jan: money is going to flow like the rhymes of those baby rappers on Lifetime's The Rap Game. This is great news considering you're all about that nesting mode at home, and how timely: if you're in a relationship, you two may be taking it to the next level of commitment. Tempurpedic mattresses, it is!

Cancer 

Here's hoping you have a bigger apartment than I do: "With four heavenly bodies filling your seventh house of partnership, commitment, and marriage," writes Susan Miller, "You appear to be ready to align yourself with another person, to be able to do bigger and better things in life."

You will have to be confident, however, as it seems like the partner in question (whether a romantic one or a professional one) will try to bulldoze your opinions. Stand tall! You're you. You got this.

Meanwhile, if you're single, Susan the Magic 8 Ball herself says your outlook for love this month is "excellent" thanks to Mars singing sonnets up to your sign's Juliet balcony. Finally, even though it's January, that doesn't mean you should stop treating yourself. The 12th is an excellent day to take a little day trip to a spa somewhere. You'll be able to afford the kind with the good bathrobes and fancy water — on the 13th, it's gonna rain green. As in money, not detoxifying juice.

Leo

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, this lion does not sleep tonight. While every other sign is being encouraged to chill, yours is being told to hit the gym. Everyone says this is the time they're going to become a healthier version of themselves; your sign is astrologically lined-up to succeed. Get it, girl. Your glutes look great already.

On January 8 you'll become very clear on your current dating situation. So mine would be: definitely single. Yours might be: I do like her! Another's might be: nope, gotta end it. But either way, what a relief to knock that guessing game off.

If you do end something, Venus is getting that sparkly goodness from Uranus on the 12th which is setting you up for a new somethin-somethin. That's a Tuesday. Going up?

Virgo

According to your astrological accountant, Susan Miller, it sounds like money has been a little tight and may continue to be so in January. You can blame Uranus and Pluto (typical) who have beef and are fucking shit up. By July, they'll chill out, and your bank statements will recover. (And until then, you might be surprised by a loan on the 12th.)

That doesn't mean you can't still have the best month ever, because you're gonna. Oh yes. "The universe has prepared January as your time to let your hair down and have fun," writes our girl.

On the 13th, Suz quotes Star Wars and says that when it comes to love, "the force will be with you." So circulate. Put you hair into cinnamon buns over your ears — it's a great cold-weather solution for frozen ears, and it turns people on, and it's the only Star Wars reference I have besides Yoda, R2D2 and this cat.

Libra 

Gear up your Pinterest board, throw a log on the fire or at a mason jar and crack open a cold one of Marie Kondo: you're gonna be all about your home this month. Begin with the organizing and rearranging of what you already own; buying furniture will be more of a nightmare than it already is thanks to the suckrograde, and nobody wants to have to use that weird Ikea version of Gchat where you spend the whole time wondering why the online customer service rep, Nancy, doesn't get a cool name like Floogbort.

Call your siblings on the 12th — they might need you. No siblings? Call your weird hidden tooth. Who knows what it was trying to be. Protein is crazy.

But, maybe avoid telling anyone about said tooth on the 23rd — a great day for a fabulous party where you're sure to expand your own circle. Your love life will kick into high gear in February. Right now, circulate in the social scene. Not that you needed a reason to wear polka dots in January, but a little occasion never hurt.

Scorpio

You know how inspirational posters are always like, "YOU control your destiny," and you're like, "The only destiny I feel like I can control is the Beyoncé-led girl group when organizing my Spotify playlists into 'best-of' categories." But Susan Miller is like, No, really. Now that Mars is in your sign, you're finally calling the shots. Take advantage of this power. It only happens once every two years.

However, be cautious. Even though Susan Miller likens you to a stallion (which is a horse who still has his balls, if you were curious), "anxious to bolt out of the gate and show the world what you can do," you need to take a knee on action until February. For now, just ruminate. Think. Plan to make plans.

By January 23rd, you're going to experience a raise or a title change or some sort of life upgrade. You'll be getting romantic attention, too. Not only do the 16th and 17th look good, but during the last three days of the month, Venus will be "in sync" with Neptune. Cue the baby-making music.

Sagittarius

This will only make sense if you just read the above horoscope about equine balls, but: speaking of stallions! Here's to you, half-horse human. Hope your birthday month back in old December was grand. You know what's still grand? Your career, which is flourishing like a drunk author's wrist whose hand is holding a Cher Horowitzian quill pen.

The new moon on the 9th kind of sucks for you, so let's ignore it. Besides, things will work out. Susan guarantees it like she's George Zimmer selling a suit.

Funny I should mention suits: you've got Venus on your side until the 23rd practically begging you to go shopping. No need to yank your chain twice, am I right? Unless you're one of those old Victorian toilets. But you are not! You're a mover and a shaker who's destined to travel and fall in love (Jan 12!) and do great things. Don't let the slowness of the retrograde make you feel down. Come February, you'll be a jack rabbit on roller skates at the disco of life. Yee-haw!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej